"When you drink out of a drinking fountain, is there any way to avoid getting your shirt all wet? Yes, there is, and it’s in my book.
"Have you ever wondered why people always seem to be talking when you want to talk? My book teaches you how to shut them up.
"How do you tell a kid that there’s no God? My book explains.
"When you see a frog in a pond, and a few days later you see another frog, is it the same frog? My book helps you figure it out.
"Have you ever wondered why the sky is blue? Me neither. My book tells you how to avoid questions like that.
"Chapter 7 explains what to do if you’re accidentally shot by hunters. (Hint: it involves shooting back.)
"Have you ever finished a short story or a novel and wanted it to continue? My book tells you why you’re stupid to want that.
"My book doesn’t bore you with “research.” Instead, it’s based on my personal experience and/or fantasies, and on good old-fashioned guesswork. In elegant prose, my book walks you through:
"How to install a moving wall of spikes in your living room, and the main reason it gets stuck: cat toys.
"How to flip a coin. (It’s not as complicated as it looks.)
"How to declutter your pornography collection by throwing some of it out or donating it to charity.
"Why talking with a fake Swedish accent may not get you that promotion.
"Why old age doesn’t have to be a death sentence, except at the very end of it.
"There were people who said I would never be able to get this book published by a major publisher. Those people turned out to be right. There were others who said that I couldn’t afford to self-publish it. Those people were also right. And then there were some who said that I wouldn’t be able to sneak into my company’s offices at night and copy it on the copy machines and staple the pages together using company staplers. Those people are eating their words right now.
"...Jack Handey has contributed to The New Yorker since 1987. He has written several humor books, including, most recently, “Please Stop the Deep Thoughts.”
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